cr: impojie

There's really something that I wanna undo.
I don't meant to hurt you if I happened to.
It's unintentionally.
I really didn't meant them.
I guess I'm just being oversensitive to things around me.
Presuming that everyone would be like me.
How naive.
yeah, I admit that I didn't know you well enough.
I doubted you, and maybe I shouldn't if you really don't meant them.
But can't you give me a chance?..
It's so awkward to see you now, really.
I don't know what I should do.

I seriously think that I'm becoming very weird these years.
I don't like to talk.
& I have really bad mood swings.
I don't know whether is it because of the stress from school work, or perhaps something else which I don't even know what is it.
Especially towards people that love me.
I tend to show them my mood swings.
And it's like if I feel like talking to them, I will. Otherwise, I won't.
I know I shouldn't behave that way.
And I'm really sincerely sorry for being like that.
But I seriously don't know what's wrong with me either.
I don't wanna do that either.

It seems that I had become irresponsible.
It's not something that I want either.
But if I don't do that, I don't think I can survive until now.
I'm not like this when I'm in sec school.
I work hard and I care about schoolwork.
But it seems so much harder to care in poly.
People around you aren't the same anymore.
All so grown-up and their minds aren't that simple anymore.
It's so scary that I can't handle.

Sometimes I really wish I wasn't born.
It was never meant to anyways.
It was just so wrong for my mum to have met my dad.
& I'm serious.
They aren't in good terms anyways since forever.
There are secrets behind them, and I don't wanna mention them here.

You know what?
Actually there's something good about being timid.
You wouldn't have the courage to die even if you want to.
How great isn't it.
Why must I be like my mum? being shy and all.
Yes, I'm trying to overcome, slowly.
I'm trying not to give up, and I always tried to encourage myself.
But it doesn't seems to be working.
I know challenges are there to make you grow stronger.
But it seems like I'm drowning in those challenges.
It may sounds like an excuse to you,
but it's just hard to explain unless you experience it yourself.

I seriously don't want to grow up.
I see nothing for my future.
It may sound childish, but please,
someone please help me.
I can survive if there's someone out there to guide me.
I wouldn't mind accepting new challenges if there's guidance.
And I meant it.
I'm just someone who isn't independent.

I think I'm meant to be a loner.
I don't express out my feelings easily.
I'll keep everything to myself.
I won't even tell them to my mum, it just make me feels weird if I do so.
Everything, and I meant everything, I'll keep them in my heart.
And no matter how badly it hurts, time will heal, that's what I thought.
But so what if time heals, although I don't remember them in my head anymore, they are already piled up in my heart.
& I don't think they are making me stronger in person.
Perhaps I do express them in blogger, like now.
If I don't, I'll really explode..
But seriously, it doesn't really make me feel any better.

I really wanted to be like anyone else,
interacting with everyone easily, being nice to everyone etc.
but why the hell I can't?!
I really wanna be anyone else except myself.
My life is seriously so screwed up that I don't even know how to fix them already.

Yes, I'm crying,
but so what?
There's nothing wrong with being sad.
but the final reason I'm being sad isn't because of you.
It's because of myself.
There's only myself to be blamed.
For being so stupid in handling things,
for being the one who started off the fire,
for being so useless.
Serves me right.

I wanna give up, I seriously want to.
Can I at least leave my school?
It hurts alot everytime when I go to school.
Everything there just make me feel so miserable.
I need a break,
a break to reflect on myself and hopefully I can find an answer to that.
I need time to get back the strength, the strength to take on challenges again.
but I can't.
There's a lot of reason.
I wouldn't bear to hurt my mum.
& to think that I'm using her $ for the education.
But, mum, can you understand me please?
It's not something that I have the ability to handle.
It hurts a hell lot.

Don't worry, I won't do anything silly.
Remember, I'm timid.
I wouldn't have the courage to even if I have the intentions to.
Such a failure seriously.

I don't know why, but I don't feel like being at home either.
the timid me won't leave home either.